Surviving the Holidays: for Special Needs Families
If you know, you know. Having a special needs child makes you a special needs family. Life just operates on a different frequency where planning is a priority and you always kind of feel like you are on the defense of what’s next. With November and December holidays focusing on big family gatherings, parents have to pick and choose what events are most important to attend and decide how to navigate the chaos that is the holidays. Oh yeah, and maybe have a little fun while you’re at it! Here are a few ideas and thoughts about the holidays from a been-there-done-that mom of an awesome Autistic kiddo.
ROUTINES & REGULATION
Try to keep a basic routine when you can. Even having some semblance of a typical day can be helpful. Wake up with cartoons and cereal most days? Keep at it wherever you go. Usually have puzzle time for your kiddo while you cook? Keep at it. Stories before bedtime? Easy. Communicate changes in routine in a meaningful way for your child using words (first we will X, then we will Y), pictures of people and places and even consider creating a social narrative printout for your child to look at. Talking about changes in routines can make them a little less scary.
If a day of travel is anticipated, or even a day of sort of sedentary activity… get the wiggles out beforehand as much as possible with all of the spinning, jumping, deep pressure and whatever else may help. You know your child best, and knowing what helps keep them regulated on a day-to-day basis will look different for you. Reflect on what has worked in the past and try to incorporate that into holiday plans.
REALISM
If your child typically stims, hums and paces while happily eating their safe foods… don’t expect them to magically have the skillset to sit at a big, loud table filled with pungent foods during holiday gatherings. Sure, maybe one day! Goals are a beautiful thing, and they can be worked on in little chunks, bit by bit. This is not to say that special needs kids are incapable of sitting at a table for a meal. This is to say accept where you are during the holidays and expect others to meet you there with understanding, respect and love. If your reality doesn’t meet someone else’s expectation, that is fine. They can live their lives how they see fit and make their expectations their reality.
COMFORT
Dress clothes can be scratchy. Opt for simple outfits that are comfortable! Know what is way worse than a child wearing a simple plain cotton shirt to a more formal gathering? A child wearing a super cute outfit that they are uncomfortable in which causes a literal meltdown.
Be sure to pack for comfort when venturing to gatherings out of the house. Fidgets, favorite toys, safe foods, noise cancelling headphones, spare clothes and yes, maybe even an iPad for them to watch their favorite videos.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS
Being an adult can be kind of cool sometimes. For one, it means you get to set the boundaries for you and your crew! Choose what to say “yes” to, and know that you can also set the amount of hours you attend events. If family adventures into the world are typically successful for a certain amount of time (say two-hours?), plan your time spent at gatherings for that amount of time. If all is going well, pivot and stay longer! Growing a tolerance for adventure and change is a good thing.
(Personal note: once upon a time, a sit down meal with my whole family was something of a pipe dream. Now it is our normal. It took time, perseverance and some Occupational Therapy there for a while, too. But now NOT eating dinner together feels like a distant memory! Kids, neurodivergent or neurotypical, are capable of such tremendous growth.)
Make time for socialization breaks in between big adventures and don’t feel bad for picking and choosing which gatherings are a “go” for the entire family. On that note—yes, it is totally fine to divide and conquer during the holidays and send representatives to show up while other family members stay home. If it works for you, do it.
YELLOW FLAGS
In a child who is excellent at masking, these may be hard to spot. Perhaps come up with a codeword when they need a break. If your child has outward signals that they are getting a little overwhelmed and overstimulated, look for them. Extra stimming, squawking, eloping, irritability, etc. may be signs that your kiddo needs a break. Take one! Find a quiet place to space out. Take a walk. Go on a short drive. If an early exit feels like the way to go, do what works for you and don’t feel the need to endlessly apologize. Do, however, remember to extend sincere gratitude for the invitation and don’t be afraid to try again in the future!
CELEBRATE IN YOUR OWN WAY
If you are in a stage of life where saying no to adventures out in the world or at other people’s houses is what feels right, that is okay. Stages come and go and next year could, and probably will, be different. If hosting some friends and family at your own home feels like the best option, go for that. If getting together during a non-meal time works best for your crew, suggest that. Loved ones who want to show empathy, and not just say it, will be understanding and accommodating.
Every special needs family is unique and what works for your family will be different than what works for mine. Know that you are doing the best you can and that seasons change. Holiday magic may look different for your family— mine include quiet moments cuddling on the couch, marveling at twinkling lights, watching the same Curious George Christmas special 47 times in a row, tossing shatterproof ornaments into a small basketball hoop, decorating cookies that are just mountains of icing because that’s the best part anyway. Always remember, just because your magic moments are different it doesn’t make them less than.
