I remember how unsettled I felt when I saw a dad at my boy’s football game not only yell in his kid’s face, but add the ‘f’ bomb in there, too. It was over something silly — the little boy, maybe 5 years old, wouldn’t sit still in the bleachers. He was running around being a little kid who only has so much tolerance for sitting still at a long sporting event. It hurt deep in my gut and I thought to myself, “If the dad acts like this in public, what is going on in the home?” What upset me even more was wondering how his actions affected his little boy’s brain development and behavior.
How much do our words, actions and body language really affect our kids? A lot actually, and it all begins when they are baby sponges. Tina Pratt, M.Ed, a behavior specialist, says that what we say and do around our kids is very important.
“The words we choose and the tone we choose becomes what babies learn to be their environmental norm,” says Pratt. “We, in a sense, become their inner voice.”
This all begins on day one of their babyhood. Think about how you interact and play with your baby — including your facial expressions and body language — this is equally important to the words coming out of your mouth. That is how their vocabulary is built, according to Pratt.
“Nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal language, so ensure that when you talk with your baby, you are using appropriate language, tone of voice, facial expressions and body language,” she explains.
Effective verbal and body language for babies includes singing songs, reading and rhyming. This is the base to his language and communication development. The more you talk to your baby, the better! When you speak to your baby, most likely you are using a variety of sounds and words whether you realize it or not.
Understanding Kids’ Emotions
Babies and kids may be little, but they have big emotions. Think of how you feel as an adult after a long family vacation — tired, off balance and maybe even emotional depending on if it’s time to head back to the “daily grind” aka work. If you are feeling this way, how do you think your kids are feeling? This is when we have to take a step back and think about their feelings, too, before losing our patience with them.
“They [kids] have the same emotions as adults, but stored in their tiny bodies,” Pratt explains. “While they learn about their emotions, it is important validate them. What may not make me mad, may make someone else mad. That doesn’t make it bad or wrong, just how someone else feels in the same situation.”
So rather than asking, “What’s wrong with you?” try saying something such as, “I see that you are upset right now. Is there anything I can do to help?” Rather than yelling or saying harsh words, try to remain calm and leave the bad words out of it. Kids actually enjoy your reaction and may even engage in the same behavior with hopes of getting that same response again later on, says Pratt. In other words, kids will more than likely match what you are saying and doing.
“Don’t take anything they say or do personally, remain calm, use a quiet voice (I like to refer to it as a whisper voice) and model for your child the socially appropriate response,” she continues.
According to Beech Acres Parenting Center, a concept called “Natural Strength Parenting” is another way to help you and your kid to understand what may be causing big outbursts. It helps them identify what may be happening inside or “under the water.”
“Intentional parenting, as part of the Natural Strength Parenting approach, means being proactive instead of reactive in your parenting,” according to Beech Acres.
When your kids present emotions, it’s easy to just react. But first think, “Why is he acting sad? Or worried? Or angry?” There’s something causing his emotions to surface.
“Rather simply react to their emotions, try and figure out what’s causing them,” Beech Acres continues.
Ask powerful questions. Instead of asking closed-ended questions such as, “What’s wrong?” or “How was your day?” try asking more specific questions about their emotions such as, “How does that make you feel?” or “What do you think about what happened today?” Spending time actively listening to their answers to powerful questions can provide deeper insight into how he is feeling, according to Beech Acres.
Speaking More Positively
Talking to your baby and kids in a more positive manner makes a world of a difference. Here’s why: you are their inner voice. Positive reinforcement is one of the best actions you can take if you want your kids to respond in a more positive way. For example, if we are constantly pointing out all of the things they do bad or wrong, we are shaping their self image as a “bad” kid, explains Pratt.
“Research in behavior shows that positive reinforcement (such as positive praise) is far more effective than punishment,” she says.
There is a time and place for everything. Of course if your kids are misbehaving, there are effective ways you can address the situation. Also keep in mind that when we praise our kids for the little things they are doing well, says Pratt, such as kisses, hugs, high fives, smiles or verbal praise, for example, you are building a more positive, happier kiddo. A happy parent = a happy kid. It’s math.
“We are increasing the likelihood that they will engage in that behavior again in the future, as well as building up their self-esteem and positive self image,” says Pratt.
Helping His Emotions
Calming a baby, calming your kid. It’s deemed to be effective, and the more you help soothe your little one’s emotions the right way, the better it will help their brain development, success in school, work and relationships, long-term. Pratt suggests practicing deep breathing by saying words such as, “Watch me take some deep breaths,” or “Watch me ‘smell the flowers and blow out the candles,’” for example. Letting them know that their feelings are OK will help them understand that feelings are valid and important.
Modeling Good Behavior
Modeling good behavior around our kids is another way to teach them how to deal with all of the emotions we are going through on a daily basis – happy, sad, frustrated, confused, embarrassed – all of them.
“When adults model getting frustrated, upset, raising their voice, using inappropriate language, degrading comments, etc., with their child, they are modeling that this behavior is OK,” says Pratt.
The way we act around our kids can absolutely have short- and long-term effects on them. Short-term effects include kids’ using the same behaviors at school when upset such as raising their voices, using inappropriate language, etc, says Pratt. Some long-term effects can include a negative self image/negative self talk/poor self-esteem.
In addition, the “they are little they will grow out of it” idea isn’t the way to go.
“Some unexpected/negative behavior seems cute when kids are little,” she explains. “However, if unexpected/negative behavior is reinforced (by either an adult reaction that a child likes or through no consequences) then the behavior ‘works’ for the child and they are likely to continue to engage in it.”
Therefore, the longer a behavior “works” for your kid, the harder it is to create a change in behavior to a more desired behavior, she continues. The way we intervene now will make a positive difference in the future.
POSITIVE RESOURCES PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC By Foster Cline and Jim Fay NavPress; 2020
This parenting classic newly updated to address screen time and social media, helps you learn ways to parent while teaching your kids responsibilities and character.
LOVE AND LOGIC PARENTING SKILLS AND TECHNIQUES; loveandlogic.com
A great online parenting resource to help navigate the science of caring and respectful relationships between parents and their kids.
THE ZONES OF REGULATION By Leah M. Kuypers; Think Social Publishing; 2011
Easy-to-use; a curriculum that teaches you, and your kids, helpful strategies for emotional and sensory self-management.
CINCINNATI CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL AND MEDICAL CENTER; cincinnatichildrens.org
Offers an array of resources and help for parents.