Welcoming a new child into your family is a profound moment—beautiful, yes, but often overwhelming. When the child arrives through foster care or adoption, the emotional terrain becomes even more layered. The child has already endured at least one major separation and, quite possibly, many more. They arrive carrying invisible bags of fear, uncertainty, grief, and survival strategies. And let’s be real: The adults are often carrying their own bags, too.
My daughter entered foster care at age four and moved more than a dozen times before we adopted her at nine. We met her on a Monday. By Friday, she had flown across the country to live with us—a whirlwind welcome into a completely new life.
We had six months of preparation, training, and waiting while the interstate paperwork slowly crawled through the system. But she didn’t have that runway. She didn’t know we existed until a few days before our arrival. In less than a week, she had a new home, state, school, and parents with barely time to catch her breath.
Even though we thought we were ready, the reality was far messier and more emotional than expected. We understood, intellectually, that she would need time to adjust, but we weren’t fully prepared for how much we would need to adjust, too. Parenting a child who has experienced trauma requires more than love. It requires rewiring your expectations, tools, and timelines.
Nancy Mehesy, a therapist who has supported countless foster and adoptive families, shared some hard-earned wisdom that helped ground us, and continues to help the families I support today.
- LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. THEN LOWER THEM AGAIN.
“Foster and adoptive families often bring big hearts and high hopes,” Nancy says. “But they’re frequently caught off guard when children don’t respond with gratitude or immediate attachment. These kids are terrified. They’ve landed in what feels like a foreign country—new language, unfamiliar customs—and they only realize they’ve broken a rule when someone corrects them.”
Nancy encourages parents to connect with others who have walked this path and to remind themselves regularly: The child’s behavior is a survival strategy, not a personal rejection. “Adding a child to your home, especially through foster care or adoption, reshapes everything: routines, priorities, even the emotional climate. It will impact every member of your family.”
- FOCUS ON EMOTIONAL SAFETY FIRST.
Helping a child feel physically and emotionally safe is the foundation of everything else. Nancy suggests:
- Offer choices whenever possible, even small ones.
- Treat items from their previous homes, such as clothes, books, toys, and photos, with respect.
- Gently introduce new rules and routines with plenty of notice.
- Create a quiet, cozy space they can retreat to when overwhelmed.
- Help them find words (or art, movement, or play) to express big feelings.
- Give permission to love and miss their birth families or past caregivers.
And most importantly? Let the relationship build slowly. Don’t try to force bonding or attachment. “It takes time,” Nancy reminds. “And it’s okay if it doesn’t feel magical at first. Be honest about your own feelings, too, even the ones that feel messy or ‘wrong.’”
- EXPECT BEHAVIOR TO BE COMMUNICATION.
Challenging behaviors aren’t just likely—they’re normal. “Many children who have been in foster care haven’t experienced consistent adult care or structure,” Nancy explains. “They’ve learned that the world isn’t safe and that relying on others leads to pain. Acting out can be a protective measure. Each placement chips away at their trust.”
She notes that children may start out with what’s often called a “honeymoon period”—appearing calm and compliant only to unravel as their guard comes down. Traditional parenting methods may not work and can even escalate things. Trauma-informed support is essential.
Nancy also offers this heads-up: Not everyone in your circle will understand. Friends or extended family might distance themselves, especially if they don’t grasp why parenting looks different now. “Love, even when it’s not reciprocated, is a commitment,” she says. “You’re loving a child through their fear. That’s no small thing.”
ROLLER COASTER LOVE STORY
My daughter is now 24. Those 15 years since bringing her to a new home flew by. It has been the most terrifying and delightful roller coaster imaginable. It’s been harder than I imagined, and often painful. Still, I’d choose being her mother again and again, even in the most difficult moments. It’s also been filled with so much love, joy, learning, healing, and growth—for both of us.
Foster care and adoption aren’t fairy tales. They’re love stories written in real time, messy, brave, and beautiful. Creating a true sense of home for a child who’s lived through instability means letting go of perfection, embracing repair, and remembering that safety is built, not assumed.
If you’re on this journey, know this: You’re not alone. And you don’t have to get it all right to be exactly what your child needs.
